The first time I heard this story my oldest child was seven so, though I was excited to hear it, I didn’t feel I could do much with it (I was wrong but didn’t know that at the time).  Now, however, my kids are 11,12 and 14 and my boys in particular are itching to start “real” businesses.  I came home with renewed hope that we could do the same for my husband as Rhea and her kids did for her husband, fifteen years ago.   Her site, educatingforsuccess.com, has some fabulous free resources for families that want to start home based businesses–even without a bunch  of capital to invest.  I will keep you posted on how our own crazy ideas are working out around here and in the meantime, you can click on one of the links to her site and check it out for yourself!

So, homeschooling has been a literal life-saver because when those questions arise–as they always do–I can teach to the heart, leave the planned lesson behind, and deal with the important stuff.  This happened just the other day when I was starting our Bible/History lesson.  (Our History Revealed curriculum also doubles as our Bible curriculum.)   I read the prescribed verses from Ephesians and Gabriel suddenly got angry about the passage.  He had big questions and we were not moving on until they had been addressed.  So, we stopped and took an unplanned detour.  His older brother helped answer parts of his question and I promised to look into his concern and have a more full explanation the next day.  He calmed down and we moved on.  The next day we revisited his question and he was invited to come up with a short skit to illustrate what we had talked about.  He was delighted!  So, a situation that could have been disaster for his heart, was transformed into a wonderful learning experience and Gabriel allowed himself to move a little closer to God’s heart.

The resounding answer to that questions is YES!!! In fact, we set aside every workbook, reading book and Math text for my younger two when they moved in and just did unit studies (sneaking in the three R’s when they weren’t looking. Shhhh…) So why did it work? Because that type of learning facilitates relationship. When a mother is trying to teach kids with emotional challenges it is especially important that the relationship be top priority. Honestly, I believe that is why so many people feel they are failing with their special needs or adopted children.

You can NOT expect to get to the heart of behavior issues or entice a child with attachment problems to open up to you unless you set aside your agenda. Oh, how I wish I were better at this! My children’s hearts would be so much further along than they are! I will say however, that I was blessed early in my journey with my adopted children to discover a few gems in the curriculum world that helped me. The first, as I mentioned, was Konos. Konos covers pretty much everything but when it came to history I really wanted to get it right–not just hope that the library books we checked out would be accurate. AND I wanted something that would tell God’s story and how it tied in with all the normal stuff like mummies and the Incan Empire and knights in shining armor.

I had stumbled across this old tape (I do mean an actual tape–I still had a tape player in my car back then) of this lady whose enthusiasm for history and how it related to God’s faithfulness completely drew me in. I finally figured out that she had a whole lot more stuff out there and bought my first set of her books several years ago. Wow. I was not disappointed. Her history curriculum not only facilitated learning but my then 7,8 and 10 year old kids were hearing the real scoop about history and God’s hand in it and they were getting their hands dirty doing fun projects that helped solidify things in their minds. The name of the series is called “History Revealed” and the author is Diana Waring. I highly recommend using her curriculum as your history and maybe even your Bible curriculum.

It can be difficult to find curriculum that fits your style and your family but I believe because of the nature of dealing with kids who have emotional special needs it is critical to find material that facilitates relationship. Without relationship education just flat out won’t happen. If you are homeschooling kids like mine or if you think your child is “normal” chances are he won’t be served well by doing what he would have done anyway in a typical school setting. If you think about it, the big difference between homeschooling and regular school time. More time translates into the opportunity to build a strong and lasting positive relationship with your child.

Though children with trauma histories often suffer from issues that good parenting alone can’t overcome, many of the everyday irritations that lead to burn out can be prevented when the adult acts like an adult!  Having self-control in the face of back-talking, grumpy attitudes and even tantrums can diffuse a situation quickly and effectively.  Essentially, after some practice on the part of ourselves and our children, we get what we give.

When I give patience I get patience (eventually)
When I give a smile I receive a smile
When I offer kindness I receive kindness
When I offer understanding I get understanding back
When I provide comfort I get hugs and snuggles
When I find humor I get laughter
When I encourage I receive sweet words back

How do you feel when you are feeling grumpy and you are met with the same grumpy attitude by your spouse or friend?  Does it help you to deal with your feelings or does it send your day plummeting even deeper into the depths of self-pity and despair?  Why do we expect our kids to be masters of their feelings–especially if they have trauma histories?  I can’t even seem to get it together on dark and rainy days or anniversaries of sad events in my life.  I mope and sometimes cry and frankly, if my husband responds with a back rub and a few well placed questions and a listening ear, it can re-route the entire day!  Children are no different.  They need you listening ear, your squeeze around the neck, your sympathetic smile.  And, they are learning how to treat you by the way you treat them.

Every moment of every day my kids are watching me. They want to know how I will respond to an angry neighbor or a broken oven. They feel secure when I respond to them in love instead of yelling or being critical. At least 80% of succeeding with attachment challenged kids is this realization and the positive actions that follow it.  Attachment is far more the responsibility of the parent than that of the immature child who has not the tools to process the feelings of abandonment that surge up at the most inopportune moments!  As you parent your attachment challenged child, don’t make the mistake of over-analyzing him, assuming that every confrontation has a hidden meaning (even if it does).  Simply put, do to him what you would have him do to you!  (The Golden Rule is in there somewhere…)  Giving what we wish we would get will result in a more peaceful home and kids who are learning to communicate with family and friends effectively and without malice.

So, go out there and give what you want to receive!

These last few years however; really the last five or six years- have so driven me toward Him -toward Jesus- that I am truly longing for Him and wondering about being in His presence and how amazing that will be. I find it interesting that is the hours I have spent reading the Psalms that has probably contributed the most to this realization. Presumably, David wrote them mostly in the throes of great fear, sadness or desperation and one of his most common themes is longing for the mere presence of God. Like David, it is fear, sadness and desperation that have moved me to love Him more and want Him more.

I am not always thankful for my circumstances but it is getting easier to walk through the dark knowing that He is there and His presence is stronger and more evident there than at any other time. In Psalm 49 it speaks of not fearing though iniquity surrounds you, for the wealth of the rich cannot last forever and none of us has the power to redeem a soul. (I’m not wealthy by American standards but by the standards of the rest of the world I am). What a clear picture of giving everything over to God and recognizing He is sovereign. The recognition of that sovereignty is drawing me closer and closer to Him and the humility of my inadequacies is producing the joy of letting Him fill in all my gaps. Coming full circle, this translates into longing after Him, which I wondered if I would ever do.