Oct 10
19
Imagine you have a four year old son who is happy and healthy. One day he is playing in your yard and suddenly he is kidnapped and subsequently mistreated for the next three years. When the police finally track him down he has endured horrors you don’t even want to think of. The seven year old you would be dealing with would be completely different from the happy, healthy child of four that you remembered.
Most parents don’t even want to consider such a scenario, and yet, they take in children who have dealt with the same unspeakable crimes against them that any kidnapping victim might describe.
Foster children have often been beaten and neglected, cold and hungry for days at a time, they are frightened and feel completely alone. Even if they have been in a safe foster home for several years and you are their adoptive placement, you are a total stranger. How comfortable would you be as an adult if someone decided for you who your new family should be and forced you to move in with them?
It is no wonder children have sometimes violent reactions to these events. Wouldn’t you? Furthermore, if your biological child were taken from you and you got him back several years later you would undoubtedly be patient and compassionate with his recovery. Foster children and newly adopted children deserve the same treatment.
Attachment specialists and even the foster care system often tell us that highly structured, rigid environments are what will help foster and adopted kids to heal. Using systems of charts for rewards and punishments are the answers offered to us when children have prolonged tantrums, refuse to help with household chores, or do not do well at school. As a result, these kids are often more stressed out by our systems of rewards and punishment than they would be if we just offered a little compassion.
What if we allowed children to ease into school transitions by attending half days until they could handle more time at school? What if we understood that overly stressed little brains can’t handle two hours of homework every night? What if we recognized that frightened children sleeping on the floor of our bedrooms for a few months isn’t the end of the world? What if we treated them like they were hurt?…’Cause they are.
Attachment happens when kids are comfortable. It happens when they feel loved and accepted–when their joy is more prevalent than their fear. We can only do that if we take the first step and love them–even when they are unlovable.
If you would like to take your parenting to the next level–if you would like to experience an intensive training that will prevent you from making common mistakes as a newly adoptive parent or put you on the road to successful bonding and attachment if you have been parenting a formerly traumatized child, join me in Chicago, IL for the Great Behavior Breakdown 2 day intensive.
After each day’s sessions I will personally lead a debriefing session with any parents who join me. This training will revolutionize your foster or adoptive home–you don’t want to miss it. Go to great behavior breakdown intensive to register. Then, post a comment on this post letting me know you are planning to come. I’ll email you with details about the debriefing sessions. The first two families to register will receive my new e-book, On Our Way to Normal–free!
